night thoughts

Dive in

Dive into life. Have no fear. Ask her out. Dance. Take a chance on the adventure around the corner. Do something new. Make a splash.

Is everyone like this?

I should have noticed this 30 years ago. I must be blind.

I have always been enraptured by music, from before I can remember. I do remember playing records over and over since I was 5, dancing like a little wildman to them... I have been called by music all my life, and yet while I can play a little on a few different instruments, it never occurred to me that I should make music for a living.

Is everyone like this? Does everyone love music more than anything? Is everyone enthralled by a hundred different artists? I am well into my 40's and I don't know anyone else my age who seems to be hooked by music the way I have always been. I've tried talking to various people about music but I can tell they are not interested. If someone talked to me about music the conversation would never end.

Is this some defect in me? It doesn't feel like a defect. It feels like I have music flowing through me, within me, and I speak it as my native tongue. It feels joyous and sad and all sorts of things. The music is in me and it feels like god.

the afterlife

Is there an afterlife?

For some time I've envisioned death as a release from the confinements of your earthly existence, whene you return to the full awareness of your higher self, where you are no longer concerned about your life on earth because you understand what it was. I imagine that you are freed to connect with the others out there fully again, not so alone in the way that it is on earth. You return to the great symphony of voices of the heavens and join your song with the others. I imagine that you'd be free to choose to come back to earth again if you wanted - or perhaps to some other entirely different world or existence.

Or... death is simply the end of our organism's lifespan, and the end is The End. There is nothing after that. Just because this is hard to conceive in your head doesn't mean that it isn't the right answer.

I am more at peace with either one now than I was a few years ago, because my mortality has made itself known with age, though I still would like to avoid a lot of suffering when it's my time to go.

I do not subscribe to the rigid beliefs of most religions, which indeed sometimes do seem designed to pacify the people and turn them into sheep, as some have suggested. I do not believe there is an all powerful god and creator who controls the world. And while I have seen every attempt at any kind of magic fail, I have no evidence to believe it exists, nonetheless I see a kind of magic in the world, and I feel the symphony of the heavens singing in the high winds above, in a joining of the voices of those like myself.

Age and time

In my self-image I still think I'm maybe 25, though I'm a lot older than that. Wonder if that will ever change. I know there is a certain mindset that says that you should never regret a thing, that you wouldn't change a thing if you could. But I would. Oh, to be 18 again... I can't believe more than two decades have passed in the blink of an eye since I came to adulthood. The best two lines on this subject I can think of come from Robert Earl Keen from his song "Dreadful Selfish Crime":

"I am guilty of a dreadful selfish crime. I have robbed myself of all my precious time...

"One thing I have found there are just two ways to go. It all comes down to livin' fast or dyin' slow."

Late night ramblings

Music is my life. Well, it's not my life at all, but it's what I love.

Sometimes I envision that there is a high wind blowing up in the stratosphere, only it's not a wind exactly - it's the gathering of the wild spirit voices of the angels, of the people in the world who are looking to the sky like me and letting their inner voices soar. It feels like a great strength, it feels like faith and hope running through the world for all to hear. We are not alone.

Sometimes I can't help staying up late at night, away from the concerns of the day, and letting my mind drift and listening to the music in a kind of altered state. I have never done any drugs, mostly because I don't feel a need for them, I get my altered state a different way, through music and the workings of the midnight hour, or the witching hour more like. This week I'm finding Enya suitable to this state of mind, currently listening to Only Time.

Music is the last magic. And it does truly seem to be magical, at least to me. It can transform an otherwise average person into a god or goddess, for instance. Music is a different kind of communication, of expression. It's almost like a divine language, able to express things on a broader spectrum, able to reach right past the surface of the heart and mind and into the depths. The language of the gods.

The Eastern

I was in dowtown Portland last year on a lunch break, and there was a duo playing some acoustic stuff. I was enjoying it way more than I expected, and I felt compelled to drop a $20 bill in their cases, which I don't think I've ever done before. Anyway they thanked me and gave me a copy of their CD. The band was called The Eastern, the CD was titled Crow River. Well, a few months later I finally got around to playing the CD, and I was stunned by how good it was - or at least, how much I liked it. And I wanted more. But they are hard to dig up info on, and they are from New Zealand which is a long way away!

I contacted Adam McGrath, the lead singer for most of the songs, and he offered to send me a copy of their other CD(s) for free - though I would be happy to pay. I haven't gotten those yet, but I did find some of their music on their MySpace page, so at least I can listen to a little more.

I got the impression from something I found out there on the web that Adam is as crazy about music as I am. Maybe that's why I'm drawn to these songs, I don't know. All I know is I *am* drawn to it, called to it, and it resonates with me.

They are on Myspace here: The Eastern 

Basketball

I love watching and playing basketball. It's such a combination of so many skills - this is currently epitomized by Kobe Bryant. Poetry in motion. There may be more statistically great players like LeBron, Shaq may have been a force of nature, Jordan was the greatest, but Kobe is a knife dancer and an unbelievable display of skill. I'd pay to see him play.

On the Magic I like watching Turk play. He's not much to look at but you have to recognize what this guy can do - especially for his size. Pretty amazing skill level. Plus I like his refusal to back down.

Love of music

In looking around me and sounding people out, I have great difficulty finding anyone who enjoys music as much as I do. The only people my age I see out there who seem to feel it as I do are musicians themselves. I get lost in the music, I get carried away, there's nothing I enjoy more.

But it's not "what I do".

Tonight I'm listening to Maria McKee and Lone Justice. Quite a spectrum of sounds to go through. I have Lone Justice, Lone Justice - Shelter, Lone Justice - This World is not My Home, Maria McKee, Maria McKee - Life is Sweet, Maria McKee - Peddlin' Dreams. Good stuff. Having an entire music collection on the computer, a library of music, is an awesome thing.